How to Brood  A Lesson to Mormon Housewives
by Robrator
Summary: The cafeteria scene from EPOV. VERY toungue-in-cheek & OOC
1. Chapter 1

_**How to Brood - A lesson to Mormon Housewives Everywhere**_

I walked into the cafeteria doing my best at a sexy swagger, the way I knew got the girls panties wet.

Thats when I saw her. The new girl. I read Jessica's mind to find that the new girl's name was Bella.

Hmmm. Things were feeling a little...STRANGE. I can't read Bella's thoughts.

It's like she has a mental block or some shit...I involuntarily licked my fangs...oops I mean teeth.

I don't Have fangs. Only real non sparkling one's not invented by mormon housewives get that.

I swaggered across the cafeteria, trying my best not to look like I didnt wanna fuck bella to death on the table with my granite cock

(_**MAN**_ I hope I'm pulling this sexy swaggering panty-melting-for-all-the-cougars look off).

I think I need to brood for a little bit.


	2. Chapter 2

I sat at the table and glared at all of the dickheads sitting in this hellhole of a cafeteria.

They were all thinking inane stupid thoughts that drove me crazy.

If I had to hear Jessica obsessing over my good looks once more, or wondering how big my peen was, one more time, I was gonna walk over and drain her. Then she'd never find out if my cock was a big as she thought it was.

Now the new girl. That was a different story. She was plain but held my attention for some reason. I glared at Alice. Her thoughts were coming through loud and clear.

"No Edward – She doesn't want to know if you sparkle all over! " Her thoughts were practically being shouted at me.

I raised my eyebrows at her. " Alice - she's female and she's 17. She's still a virgin so she'll be horny as all fuck. Why the fuck would she resist me? Her arousal practically screams at me."

I'm a god. No female is irresistible to my charms. And even if they were...I have fangs.

But no Sparkles.

That shit was for pussies.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch 3 You're wrong Alice – just wrong

I walked to my locker to get away from her scent.I could smell Jessica's arousal for me from clear across the campus. I wanted as far from that shit as I could.

As I raced along the hall , I could hear the steady thump of a heartbeat and rushing blood behind me.

Were they trying to catch me?

_Weird. _Strangely I could hear no thoughts along with it.

I turned round quickly, and bumped into her. The new girl.

"_Bella_." I breathed out musically.

"_Edward_." She was practically salivating for me.

I looked at the ground briefly to try and stop myself from laughing.

She was in a tiny mini skirt - that, if she bent over, would flash her pussy to the whole of Forks High.

Hang on. Was that dripping on the ground? From the way she was rubbing her thighs together, and the aroma in the air I was pretty sure what the fluids on the ground were.

I was licking my lips in anticipation of just how _easy_ this would be.

I looked up and smirked at her, and flashed her the infamous Cullen grin. Em called it the "Cullen Cummer".

"Wanna ditch? " I asked her, as she laughed at me.

She looked at me with a sly grin, and pulled something out of her pocket.

Fuck.

Was that _Sparkle-Lube_?

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_A/N – This chapter is proudly brought to you by all my WC h00rs - love ya bitches!And yes the epic one-shot is coming~ *snort*_


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 4 - SparkleLube?

_**Once again thanks to my awesome WC girls ...**_

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"Sparkle lube? Bella what the hell do we need that for? You're dripping all over the fucking floor!"

She looked at me with an incredulously. This was going to be so easy. Or rather she would be.

I could smell and see her arousal from here.

"Edward - how did you know my name?" She asked me , as she bit her lip.

I leaned closer and smirked. If she'd been wearing panties she'd have dropped them.

" How did u know mine Bella?"

She blushed. My cock was as hard as granite.

This shy, average human held a certain mysterious allure to me.

I grabbed her hand to yank her out of here and towards my car.

We needed to get out of here as fast as possible, where I couldn't hear the hindering thoughts of my siblings.

I growled at her as I snatched the sparklelube from her hand.

" Bella. Trust me when I tell you we don't need that shit. Where did you get it from?'

" But Why Edward? And what did you mean about me dripping on the floor? Jasper told me I would need it for back door entry. What does that mean? Oh Edward I'm so confused!'

Yep WAY easier than I planned.

Hang on. _What did she say?_

I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.

**JASPER!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 : Jasper is a dead mofo !**

I was gonna kill that pussy Jasper.

I told him no backdoor entry, Bella was strictly a rap-tap-tap on the front door kinda girl.

And I was gonna tap that front door, preferably while she was bent over the hood of my Aston.

In the meadow.

Oh yeah. We'll see who's laughing then _JAZZ _.

Fucking sparkle lube. Pfft.

I was a fucking horny mofo, and needed to get laid in the worst way. Preferably by sweet, innocent little Bella Swan, who was currently leaving a snail trail across the tarmac of the school parking lot as I dragged her towards my car at an inhumane speed.

I opened the door and shoved her in my car , throwing the sparkle lube across the parking lot.

SMASH! I smirked as I realised that the little teeny tube of sparklelube had smashed against Alice's yellow porsche windscreen, and splattered all over the hood.

HUH.

Have fun explaining that one to your little roid-ed up shopper,_ JAZZY._

I knew exactly where I wanted to take Bella.

_The meadow. _

Where I could fuck her warm wet tight little pussy to my dick's content.

No coitus-interruptus.

No interfering fuckers (or their thoughts to distract me) . Or as they commonly referred to themselves as : my loving fucking family.

I gunned the engine and turned to Bella.

" _Well now my little lamb , Let's get the flock out of here. "_

**Thanks for the nom for this story in the GiggleSnorts. I totally won't win but just the nom is nice. And it totally gave me motivation to update! To vote for all your faves just go to http : / / awards . gigglesnort . net / news . php (just remove the spaces)**

**Thanks to the usuals , WC ladies and friends... I promise not to leave it so long for chapter 6 ... :)**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6: Bella, like, ya know, speaks.**_

**A/N Enjoy this quick little update ...I know this is E's story but I felt compelled to write B's thoughts. Probably the only time this will happen!**

_*** R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * **_

BPOV

Oh crap.

He's , like, so hot. Like, f-realz. And when he called me a lamb...he was my lion and I wanted him to devour me whole. _Like, RTFN. Get in mah pants and RAWR babee!_ Jess told me he didn't like girls, but, like, he so clearly does. _Me! _

Edward said we wouldn't need the sparkle lube. Which just, like , confused me, cos, like, Jazz said we need it for the back door. What back door? Was that on his car? Or was he taking me to his house? And why would we need sparkle-lube for it? Besides I thought he said something about a meadow...

He leaned down to whisper huskily in my ear and, like, I could feel my ovaries kersplode.

" _Bella...my love, I've dreamed of you every day of the best part of 100 years. Then I saw you and I knew I'd be your lover too. Just like a stray dog, I was broken, content to roam. Please baby just never think and let me sign, so I can be your lover too. "_

Oh good lord, like, did he just sniff my hair?

*** R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * R R * **

**Yeah I did it. I used the name of his songs in his words to B.**

**Sue Me. :)**


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N**_ – _We're back to Edward's thoughts for this one…..It's a bit longer than the others. _

_No offence to the Kstew fans...hope you take this as the fun it's meant to be!_

_Don't worry I shocked myself too!_

_Thanks to the usual h00rs._

_**Chapter 7 : The Power of SparklePussy**_

She was looking at me kinda funny as she got out of the car.

God I just wanted to fuck her already.

Why did girls always wanna _talk_?

" Bella? There will be no back doors. Jasper should never have told you that useless information...That's more what him and Alice like to do."

She was looking at me kind of cross eyed , I think she was going for a mix of confusion and perpetual horniness, but I really couldn't tell as she only seemed to be able to communicate 2 emotions.

'_E-E-Edward?"_

I was growing more and more frustrated with her inability to grasp when Jasper was just pulling her leg. That and her emotionally void face, made it seem like Bella really was dumb as fuck.

I gritted my teeth, as frustration grew.

"Bella ,less talking , More moving. Panties down, Bend over the hood. NOW." I whispered huskily.

I was trying to turn her on. Seemed like it was working too.

She tittered away, as she hurriedly pulled down her panties and bent over. " Oh Edward, You're so hot when you go all Domward. Take me now. " She whispered, begging me to take her quick hard and fast.

She really had no idea what she was asking me. I hurriedly pulled my cock out of my pants as I prepared her to take me.

I yanked her skirt down hurriedly.

_RIPPPPPPPPP._

"Oh Edward, I know we've only just met but you're all mine. I can't live without you or your hard cock!" She gasped.

I mentally rolled my eyes.

All I wanted was to get my dick wet.

I bet if I was human I bet she'd be the sort to break into my room and watch me sleep.

GREAT.

Just what I fucking needed.

A fucking human stalker.

I ignored all the thoughts running rampant through my head as I pushed down on her shoulders and brought her perfect ass to a better angle for my satisfaction.

Which was when I noticed her thighs..

_What. The. FUCK._

Was that fucking Glitter?

_HER PUSSY WAS SHINING LIKE A FUCKING DIAMOND!_

_**Everyone who reviews….gets free PORN. That's WIN right?**_

_**I might even write a lemon next chapter! *gasp***_


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N - This will make sense to my tweeties as to why I asked about vajazzling!**_

_**Thanks for still being here...There's probably only about 2-3 more chappies is my little piece of crap...**_

_**Chapter 8 : BELLA VAJAZZLES**_

"BELLA? Why the fuck is your pussy shining?" I squealed at her like a horny little pig stuck in a rut.

She looked at me incredulously, as she went cross eyed trying to figure out the reason for my confusion.

"E-E-Edward...you're mood swings are giving me whiplash!  
You're either the horniest mo-fo I've ever met or you're angry with me. Which one is it? "

Awkward Pause.

And when I say awkward I mean...AWKWARDDDDDDDDD.

" To answer your Question EDWARD ...I VAJAZZLED."

"You w-w-what? Double You Te Eff is THAT? "

" Well Alice said you would really like it, especially after Jazzy saying about the sparkle lube, I decided to go for it. He said that I would have matching entrances Edward. What does that mean? I'm so confused!"

" Bella. That doesn't even matter anymore, I smashed the sparklelube remember? "

_Oh yeah. I smashed that baby all over the windscreen of Alice's babee gurl (her beloved yellow porsche ). She'd be cleaning sparkle out of that thing for decades._

"Now tell me about this vajazzling."

" Oh Edward! It was the most amazing thing! Last night before Jazz even thought of the sparklelube, Alice came over right? Anyway I don't know how she knew me but it's almost like she can see the future ya know? So Last night I open my door to see Alice there with a waxing kit and the vajazzle set. She made me wax everything, and that hurt like a motherfucker...even after she said it wouldn't! Word of advice Edward : NEVER listen to Alice. "

" So we tried to do an E on my kitty in shiny silver glitter cos Alice, like, said you would love it, like, ya know? But the vajazzle got everywhere and now I , like, have it everywhere! And that is why my pussy shines."

She was rambling.

I really needed her to shut the fuck up.

Her incessant rambling (_Things I do not need to know for $1000 thanks Alex_) was driving me crazy.

So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment.

I grabbed her, and with my stone cold marble-esque lips...

_I kissed her._


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N **_

_**Miss me?**_

_**Sorry it's been so long peeps…..RL has been kicking my ass in a major way the last few months….hopefully the next and FINAL chapter wont be too far away (I'm writing that as we speak)!**_

_**OK before we get into things…..To everybody who voted HtB "Best Supernatural or Vampire ( Small Fry ) " in the GiggleSnort Awards….. A massive thankyou from the bottom of my heart….. xoxo**_

_**For the 2**__**nd**__** last time…..Here's SparklePire…..**_

I could practically taste the desperation practically screaming from the pores of this mousy brown girl that I had no time whatever for.

"_Make me yours_. "

HUH?

What.

The.

Ever.

Lovin.

_FUCK?_

I pulled back and looked at her.

"WHAT?" I snarled down at her.

She looked up at me with eyes that IM sure were meant to be all hopeful, but only made me want to bleed her dry, as quickly as possible.

"_Make me ."_

Errrrmmm.

NO.

Just ….NO.

I could think of nothing worse than being tied to this girl forever.

There was only one thing I wanted from her.

"Bella. That's not gonna happen."

"_W-W-What?" She stammered_.

"I vant to suck your blood!"

I felt her tense up in shock and surprise as I pulled her in tight to my body, and sunk my teeth into her deliouscious blue veins that practically screamed at me from her pale porcelain skin.

_**BITE.**_

I REALLY wish I wasn't written by some boring Mormon housewife. I could really do with some fangs right now.


End file.
